God is in Heaven, and we are on earth - enough said!

“For God is in Heaven and you are here on earth; therefore, let your words be few." Ecclesiastes 5: 2

By Cathleen

Adopting a child has been on my heart for many years. Before I even had children of my own, I knew that I wanted to adopt a child. We have gone down many roads exploring adoption and finally decided to do “foster to adopt” through Buckner. I really had talked to a lot of people, read a lot of books, and generally felt like I knew what we were getting ourselves into. I also strongly felt that God had laid it on both of our hearts to open up our home to another child.

I had a “moment” a couple of days ago where I realized that I had gotten what I wanted, but was complaining to God about how hard it was. I had a lot of questions for God concerning what we were going through. I didn’t feel like God was answering them. I had the nerve to journal that “due to His silence I really didn’t have a reason to continue to pursue Him with my questions.” I have never really felt reprimanded by God…….. until now. The verse He brought to mind was Ecclesiastes 5:2, in which He says (to summarize), “I am here in Heaven, and you are there on earth” - enough said!!

E. is an amazing kid! He is smart, funny, emotionally healthy for all that he has had to endure, a great playmate to Josh, well-mannered, compassionate, obedient, and he is hurting. If we would have specified to Buckner that we wanted a boy foster child close to Josh’s age with the description above, they would have thought we were crazy because these kind of things never happen.

I have wondered if this was fair of us to bring someone into our family almost the same age as Joshua, as he has felt the change the most. He has been the recipient of the biggest blessings, as well as the biggest hardships, since our decision to have E. come live with us. He has had to share his room, his toys, and his friends. It has been quite an adjustment for him; however, he is handling it well.

My friend had a great reminder for me the other day. She said “God has called us to love E. for today.” I have a tendency to project into the future about all of the possible scenarios and I tend to get overwhelmed. However, the one thing I can do is love for today.

Today, E. asked me to play a game with him; he ran to the door when Paul got home and gave him a big hug; he has been attacking with his words with Josh, but it was less than normal today . Today is all really have. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. Thanks for your prayers for us.

“So teach us to number our days that we present to You a heart of wisdom.” Psalm 90:12

An Unexpected Message

The Lord said to Moses, “Who has made man’s mouth? Or who makes him mute or deaf, or seeing or blind? Is it not I the Lord? Now then go, and I , even I, will be with your mouth, and teach you what you are to say?” Exodus 4:11,12

By Cathleen.

Who would have thought that a trip to downtown with our family on the Dart train running around Dallas would have such a profound effect on me? At first glance, it was just meant to be a fun day. E. had never been downtown, ridden a train or trolley, or gone up to Reunion Tower. We ended our trip down town at the Dallas Museum of Art.

When we arrived the gallery told us that there was an event for families on the 4th floor where we could sketch some of the art. Meredith, Marian, and Joshua grabbed the sketch pads and began drawing. E., on the other hand, took a sketch pad and sat down with a distant look on his face. He told us he didn’t know how to draw. We told him that none of us “really” knew how to draw, and we were just playing around. E. remained paralyzed, staring into the distance. We tried to encourage him, but that just silenced him more.

Nothing we tried seemed to work. I told him I was done drawing, and asked him if he wanted to go walk around and look at art while the other kids finished. He stared at his blank white page and started to cry. He had sat there for 30 minutes and had drawn nothing. I didn’t know what was wrong, and he didn’t know how to tell me. We put up our sketch pads. A security guard saw us and stopped E. She grabbed him by the shoulders and told him she had been watching him. She told him she could tell he was sad because he didn’t think he could draw.

I had not noticed her before. She told E. that she “didn’t like to see anyone leave her museum sad”, and she was going to show him some paintings that would be much easier to draw. She then led us back to the sketch pads and handed a new one to E. ,and then led us to a new. “easier” area. He followed along compliantly, but still very tearful.

I had no idea how to comfort him. My only thought was to leave and maybe that would distract him. This lady wanted to keep him here and keep trying to help him. She told us to sit down in front of this simple stick drawing of a tree. She gave E. a pep talk and told him she would be back to check on him. She came back three different times, each time offering new suggestions. He still was crying looking at a blank page. I wondered how I was going to get out of here without her seeing us. What she was trying to do was nice, but now working in my opinion. He was still crying and still totally immobilized. I was totally at a loss.

E. would not talk to me as much as I tried. I told him we could try again another day, and told him we should go walk around and look at other things. We successfully managed to put the sketch pad up with out the security guard seeing us, and headed for the stairs only to get “caught again”! She said she wasn’t giving up yet, and she wanted to introduce E. to the teacher of the sketch class who was helping the people draw. The security guard would not leave us alone.

The teacher was helping someone else, but she was perceptive enough to tell E. was extremely sad. She had him come sit by her while she instructed the other person. It was at this moment that I realized something. I had no idea how to reach E. I tried talking, humor, and comfort and nothing worked.

I had not tried to pray.

I asked God to show me how to help E When she was done, she immediately turned her attention to E.’s eye level . She led us to a painting and pointed out to E. what the tree looked like in the painting. It was rather abstract and looked very simple. She then took us to another painting that also had a tree that was painted very realistically. She told us how artists see things in different ways.. She then took us to a very abstract drawing that at first glance you couldn’t tell what the drawing was. She, however, was able to walk E. through an interpretation, and all of a sudden he was engaging with her. He was engaging with someone for the first time in an hour. She told him how artists see things differently, and that there is no right or wrong yet there is still beauty in it all. The beauty comes from how the artist sees things and that there is an artist in all of us.

E. left the museum smiling and laughing. He told us he wanted to come back.

This day was as much a lesson for me as it was for E. God knew how to handle E.’s heart. He knew to keep pursuing him towards success (the security guard and the teacher) and He wasn’t about to give up. I was ready to give up way earlier.. God in His infinite wisdom sees our situations, and gives us what we need even when we don’t know how to ask for it.

I am reminded of Moses and how he didn’t’ know what to say or what to do. God told him he didn’t need to know and that He would give him the words and show him what to do. This is not the first time I won’t know what to do to help E. God shows up in such mysterious ways but what I need to trust He will always show up.

So Many Firsts...

Family Pic (minus Marian) at Cathleen's cousins wedding

Mr. Sweet Tooth

As Cathleen has noted previously, we are still “getting our feet wet” at being foster parents. While we are wrestling with the issues of emotional immaturity and the competition that it brings, we also have periods where it just feels right to have E. in our family at this time.

In just a few short days, E. has experienced many firsts – things we just take for granted in the hustle and bustle of life. It has been fun to sit back and experience these random “firsts” with him:
- First belt he’s ever worn – dressing up for Cathleen’s cousins wedding
- First Wedding he’s ever been to
- First Grooms Cake he’s ever seen – it was a Spiderman cake so that made it taste even better!
- First Family Night – where we discussed our words and the effect that they have on others (using the old toothpaste trick)

Last night, I read a story with the boys about Integrity that mentioned the Pinewood Derby – E. then proceeded to ask what that was? When I explained it in further detail, he asked if we could go buy a car and build one the following day. I then explained the “art of whittling” and told him that we can make spears out of sticks – he then asked what a spear was! There are just so many experiences that he hasn’t had the opportunity to experience. I can’t wait to take him camping on our annual Community Group camping trip in the Fall!!

Cathleen and I have discussed how his being in our family to this point has been good for all of us in one way or another. For me personally, I feel that I had become a little complacent in teaching God’s truths to our kids daily. Sure, we did the various lessons when they were younger, but have slacked off as life became “busier.” Having E. with us has taught me once again that we need to continue reiterating these truths to them over and over again in creative ways! We are instituting weekly family nights again , and look forward to the new opportunities to learn God’s truths with the family.

I’ve also seen witnessed what a tough little guy he has had to be to survive these past 7 years. Last night, while he was hiding in the closet during a wrestling match, he slammed three fingers in door and didn’t even flinch. When I opened the door, I could see that he was in pain as one finger was swelling, but he didn’t tear up once. I carried him downstairs to put ice on his fingers, but was so sad to see that he is able to hold a significant amount of pain bottled up in his heart.

I am thankful for the things we are learning through this experience so far. Please continue to pray that God will guide E.’s paths, wherever they may lead.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for calamity, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

Thoughts from Week 2

“Preach the gospel at all times; if necessary, use words.” St. Francis of Assisi

A few days ago, we got a call from our case worker at Buckner. She told us that the home study on the relative in Virginia has been turned down. The only thing left until E. is adoptable is the termination of the father’s rights, as he is still in prison. We definitely see God at work in the life of this little boy.

We have had E. 2 weeks now. I am not sure what I was expecting to feel after two weeks. I am reading a book on adoption now, and it talks about the different stages of adoption and foster care. The first is the “honeymoon period” where everyone, including the child, is on their best behavior. It can last for up to two weeks. I have joked with my friends that we got jipped because our “honeymoon period” only lasted a couple of days at best. Everyone, including E., quickly felt comfortable letting each other know how they felt about anything and everything.

We find ourselves having to intervene on the smallest of issues these days - from someone getting more chicken nuggets or a bigger cookie, to making fun of how someone talks, etc. Don’t let us mislead you, as we also had these arguments before E. came to live with us. The difference is that now it is every hour!! To put it simply, it has been an exhausting week. In fact, it feels so exhausting at times that we know God is at work .

Paul and I were on Young Life staff in Germany when we first got married way back in the 90’s. Being overseas and doing ministry away from your support base can be very hard at times. There was a couple several years older than us that said something at one of our staff meetings that I will never forget. They were going through a really rough time with their community support (emotional and financial), both locally and in the States. They seriously considered moving back to the United States. However, God gave them a different message. They told us that they felt called to stay “because of how hard it was on them at the moment. They felt called to be still and know that God is God.” Their decision has stuck with me to this day.

When things get hard I question everything about what we are doing…..
• Is this really what God has called us to do?
• Can God change my heart and give me a passion for what we are doing even in the midst of hard days?
• Can God heal a little heart that has been trampled on and discarded and make it open to love and trust again?
I know that we have only been foster parents for two weeks, but this is how quickly my thoughts go in a different direction.

When I found out the home study was rejected, I honestly had mixed feelings. I felt sad for E. because he really has no where to go now. I was excited that we will probably be given the chance to adopt E, but just as nervous as to what that would look like for our family. There is so much that I don’t know - but what I do know gives me a solid peace of mind.

1. God is in control - “Do not fear for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, surely I will help you, surely I will up hold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10
2. He hears everything we say and helps us -“Behold, the Lord’s hand is not so short that it can not save, nor is His ear so dull that it can not hear.” Isaiah 59:1

A Day of Reflection

A lot of reflection happened today. I had to think back on why we decided to become a foster family in the first place. I can’t deny that Paul and I both felt God leading down this path. We both felt God calling us to get outside of ourselves and to lead our children in this way as well. The problem is that God does not tell you everything you will go through when you decide to obey. He just says “obey.”

Everything over the past week, up until today, has been good. We have all had our ups and downs since we added someone to our family, but nothing unusual. Today, however, felt different. Today I didn’t understand what was going on with E. In everything Joshua did, E. got mad at or felt the need to ridicule him. My first instinct was to stand behind Joshua, to defend him and wrap my arms around him. The anger and ridicule from E. came out of left field to me. For some reason, Joshua was E.’s primary target today.

E. has had so much change in his short life. He started out life on a very rocky road with a drug-addicted mother and an absent father. He has been in 4 different homes since then and he is only 7. Every home has different people, different rules, and different ways. Each time, he has had to jump in head first and learn how to get along.

We dropped Meredith off at Pine Cove on Sunday. On the way home, we listened to a CD that Pine Cove gives parents with a message by Dr. Tim Kimmel. I knew that the message was intended for us to hear. It talked about the three basic needs EVERY child needs. They have a need for security, strength, and love. We, as parents, are called to meet these needs for our children. E. has never had these needs met. It broke our hearts to listen to this message through E.’s eyes. We brainstormed on what we could do to help end this nightmare for E. - who could we write, what lawyer could we hire, etc. - to help E. become adoptable. We don’t know if we are open to adopting E. yet, but we do know that “permanence” is what he needs to begin healing.

To sum up, I questioned everything today. It seemed really hard and the crazy thing is that I knew we asked for it. We went through a lot of training and hassle to even have it “be hard” on us. Is there sanity in that? If E. would not have been in our lives today, we would have had a pretty uneventful day. We would have missed Meredith, but would have found something fun to do. Instead, we were all challenged today. We had to love selflessly even when we didn’t want to. We had to trust and have faith that God would never leave us nor forsake us. We had to love the unlovable in all of us. We had to say “I am sorry” and “will you forgive me” many times. We had to learn to make allowances for each other and have compassion for things we didn’t fully understand. I am not going to write about today that “it was hard but it was good”. It is just too cliché for real life. I am just going to write that it was hard today, and I will trust God.